My Valentine

Having been in a crappy marriage for nine years, I really don’t remember the last time I gave two shits about Valentine’s Day. It’s been quite a while. Maybe once or twice after I got married, but I can’t really remember one that stands out. Max, though, at age 6 and in kindergarten, took a huge interest in the “holiday” this year and offered early on to be my valentine. The overwhelming sweetness of his intentions was a little bit dampened by his concerns that “daddy would rather be with his girlfriend,” but we left that alone and made our plans. Honestly, I didn’t know how to address it other than to tell the ex that it was said. Hopefully he made some effort to make Max understand that he would rather be with him all the time, whether it’s true or not.

Yesterday was the kindergarten party and it was pretty awesome. Max had made a lovely card for me and he had brought Pokemon cards for his friends. Those turned out to be a huge hit (among the boys). He also had been having a good day at school which was an extra little gift.

Then today I received my present. The gaudiest and most lovely V-day present I have ever gotten. A limited edition Build-a-Bear in pink with flowers and orange ribbons, and a microphone, the better for her to sing the Hannah Montana song that Max picked out just for me. Even petitioned the sales staff to search out that song in the stockroom because they were out of it in the store. When I asked Max why he felt so strongly about “Best of Both Worlds” for my bear, he said it was because I was just like Hannah Montana. A bit nonplussed by that statement, I inquired further. He said, “Because you have two jobs and you’re a really good mom but you do everything so good that nobody ever knows how hard it is. Like Hannah Montana.” And I freakin’ choked up at the Chuck E. Cheese.  I do wonder, though, where he gets his info on Hannah – we don’t watch it.

Frankly, I think he might be a little off base. I’m going through one of those periods in life where you feel like you can’t do anything right or make anyone happy. But it’s nice that his perception is that I’m holding it all together. It’s probably more credit than I deserve, but then again maybe I get credit for trying. We had a great time at the Cheese and then his dad picked him up. It was a lot harder than usual to make that exchange.

Which is one reason it was a really bad day for me to find out that his dad has been exposing him, albeit indirectly, to his sexual behavior. I don’t want to grab for the moral high ground too quickly – I date, too. But Max is completely in the dark about that, and I feel like he should be unless there comes a time somebody is pretty significant. And yeah, he’s only six, but he’s developing his moral compass now, and knowing either of us has overnight guests when he isn’t around seems like the worst possible idea in facilitating that. And of course I can’t imagine it helps repair the realtionship Max has with his dad, which is already less-than-ideal.

I guess I’m using the blog as a way of thinking out loud because I feel so powerless to protect him. No court gives a damn about the kind of damage I’m worried about unless it’s really extreme and usually accompanied by evidence of abuse or at least of actual harm. It’s partly the control freak in me, I know, but it is very hard to just accept that. On the one hand, the obvious realistic one, I know I can’t make the ex a better person than he is. If I could, I’d have done it while I was married to him. In fact I tried. It can’t be done, or more accurately, not by me. But on the mom hand, bullshit. Ugh. Which is why I am such a wreck tonight. I ended up cancelling my plans for the evening because I keep crying. And wanting to hit stuff. With a large and heavy object or possibly a sharp one. Making it probably a bad idea to spend time with a male individual for the immediate future.

That is the tale of my best and worst Valentine’s Day ever. The highlight was probably playing basketball with Max at the Cheese.  He is easily impressed, which is a good thing because it wasn’t very impressive. We turned 35 tokens into 108 tickets. Do that math for a second – we are not the champions of anything. But we had a really good time, and I have never had a more sincerely affectionate valentine.